Derek (April 2018)

Derek was the first openly gay man I ever knew personally. He was an avowed atheist and he proudly wore a ban the bible button. Yet, He was also one of my wife Colleen’s best friends growing up, he respected her faith and he walked her down the aisle at our wedding. His suicide in 2006 brought overwhelming grief to my wife who loved him deeply. Derek had a profound impact not only on Colleen’s life, but on my life as well and I miss him.

My wife Colleen had some very difficult moments as a child including losing her Dad (Lee Cecil) to cancer when she was 12. She spent a lot of time visiting her dad at the hospital before he passed away, and Derek was there for her every step of the way, reaching out to her with compassion for her loss and being a true friend that helped her through this difficult period in her life.

We recently found some writing from Colleen about her relationship with Derek. She wrote “My friend Derek didn’t die of aids, HIV complications nor a beating from gay lashes. He died from suicide. He was my friend, not my gay friend, just my childhood friend whom I loved.”

She speaks of a moment when Derek first shared with her that he was gay. He was afraid to tell her at first, afraid she might get mad at him and end their friendship. Colleen said she was processing what he said to her, and then told him “How could I be mad at you. I love you.” She tells him nothing will change her love for him and their friendship which she also greatly values.

In one passage she describes how Derek picks out a beautiful cross for Colleen as he knows how important her faith is to her and though he does not share her beliefs, he respects her faith. Later, When Colleen and I got married, she asked Derek to walk her down the aisle in place of her dad that had passed away. Derek took this as a great honor, and gladly participated in a Christian wedding held at a church.

Derek went on to get his PH.D and became a college professor teaching Political science. He moved out to San Francisco and fully chose to embrace the gay life style and culture there. Colleen kept in touch with him over the years and flew out to see him. She recorded that the visit did not go well and she was in tears on the plane ride back as Derek had told her she was a Kentucky simpleton. She was saddened they were not able to just hang out as friends like before and enjoy their time together and that they seemed to be drifting apart.

Derek called her after she came home and apologized for being what he called a “jerk”. She readily forgave him, and they continued to call each other over the years to catch up.

Colleen and Derek were both born in April of 1968 within 4 days of each other. They had their first joint birthday celebration together the year Colleen’s dad passed away. They celebrated birthdays together every year afterwards and it was something Colleen always looked forward to. When Derek moved to California, they were no longer able to physically get together, but still they would call each other on their birthday every single year and talk on the phone for hours. In 2007, Colleen noticed Derek had not called her, and she had gotten busy with the kids, etc. She tried to call him but was not successful. It was not like Derek to miss their birthdays. Later, Derek’s mom let Colleen know that Derek had passed away (Nov 23, 2006).

As Colleen sat and imagined how much emotional pain Derek must have been in to take his own life, as she thought about losing this friend she loved so deeply, and as she could find no eternal hope to take out of his life, Colleen was overwhelmed. Over the years, on several different occasions Colleen would have emotional / mental breakdowns around her birthday. As part of this process, Colleen would become deeply depressed, and sometimes with her Bi Polar struggles, being unable to shut down her thoughts, she would eventually even lose touch with reality and talk about having a phone call with Derek and how he was coming to visit her tomorrow.

At the beginning of this process, my sole focus was how do I get my wife better. How do I ease her emotional pain and suffering over losing Derek. What do we need to do to deal with her suicidal thoughts, hospitalizations, etc. Medicine, talk therapy, prayer, praise music, etc. all proved helpful.

However, as we progressed, I began to see beyond this. I realized Colleen had something here I wanted. Did I love any of my friends this deeply and passionately that my soul would be in this much anguish if they perished? This is the depth of love I believe Jesus exhibited for us on the cross. A love to that depth can be overwhelming and that is the way I want to love also.

Now, there is a balance to this that Colleen also had to learn. Colleen had to come to terms that God is in control, and she is not. Based on her own Faith, She could not know if in the last seconds of Derek’s life he cried out to Jesus to rescue him like the thief on the cross. She had to accept that that question was one between Derek and God and was not a weight she needed to carry. That was a constant struggle for Colleen as she has a tender heart, but before she died, she did come to terms with this and turned Derek over to God.

For me personally, I recall with great fondness being a student at Asbury College and getting into intense discussions with Derek over the existence of God. While I can be very passionate in discussing ideas, I have never had an issue liking people who strongly disagree with me. Pushing each other to think things through deeply is a good thing the way I see it. Heck, when I married Colleen she was a liberal and I was a conservative. I guess in today’s world that is taboo, but I loved Colleen and I also cared about and respected Derek though we fundamentally came to different conclusions.

I have thought a lot lately about what I would say to Derek if he were still alive.

First and foremost, at Colleen’s funeral, I would have placed Derek at my table and would have publically thanked him for being such a great friend to Colleen when her Dad died and through the years. I would have shared with him how much I know Colleen loves him and always wanted the best for him. I would have consoled Derek on the loss of Colleen because I know he would be deeply grieved by losing her as He also loved her and cared about her deeply.

Next, I would tell Derek also that I enjoyed our discussions on the existence of God back in our college days and thank him for pushing me to think through my faith very deeply. Now as I am older, I would share with him some of the conclusions I have reached since we last spoke and the reasons I have for the hope that is within me as well as some of my personal experiences with a very personal God.

I would also share some great books with him that I find helpful in a logical and rational review to see if the claims of Jesus hold up to logic and scrutiny . I think if he would approach them with an open mind, seeing where logic and reason will truly lead him, then If he was willing to believe, I think this may lead him to find that there really is hope in this world and his Name is Jesus:

1) The Case for Christ , Lee Strobel (A very detailed and logical analysis that deals with the historical , archeological, medical, scientific, logical, eye witness, circumstantial, etc. evidence that supports the new testament claims of Jesus as being reliable, including evidence from sources external to the bible)

2) The Case for Faith, Lee Strobel (Deals with 8 major objections to the bible including how could a loving God kill children, How could a loving God sentence people to Hell, Why are Christians so exclusionary in their God as that is judgemental, how can a loving God allow so much suffering in this world, If I have doubts can I still be saved?, etc.)

3) Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis (One of my favorite authors)

4) Jesus among other Gods, Ravi Zacarias (Ravi is from India, compares world religions vs Jesus)

5) Jesus among secular Gods, Ravi Zacarias (Ravi compares Jesus vs Humanism, Atheism, etc.)

6) Seeking Allah, finding Jesus , Nabeel Qureshi (Muslim seeker who found Jesus)

Lastly, As I reflect on Derek’s suicide, I am struck with several thoughts.

A) I think of all the families that have lost people to suicide over the years and I am very empathetic to their situation as it easily could have been ours.

My wife Colleen struggled with depression herself and with her Bi Polar at times had trouble shutting down her mind to rest and sleep. Sometimes she would get depressed and have thoughts run over and over again in her mind that no one loves her, and how could they. She at times felt cut off and all alone even living in the midst of her Husband and Children who loved her deeply. She at times had suicidal thoughts as hopelessness and despair were overwhelming her.

Now for Colleen, as with some others, with her mental illness of Bi Polar, her depression was not simply a spiritual issue or an emotional issue, but there was also a physical component to it that had to be addressed through medicine that would allow her to sleep and her mind to rest.

However, medicine alone was not enough to address Colleen’s needs. She also needed a talk therapist to work through some emotional issues like Derek’s suicide that she struggled with, and she needed spiritual food as she prayed, read her bible, listened to praise music and was able to be refreshed in her spirit with the hope that Jesus brought into her life.

B) When I think of Derek’s suicide, it seems his struggle with depression was different, yet in some ways similar to Colleen’s. It was different in that Derek did not struggle with the physical side with mental illness such as Bi Polar, nor did he face the intense physical suffering Colleen struggled with over the last few years of her life. As such, it is not clear to me that lack of medicine was a key factor in his death. Yet it was the same in that it seems obvious Derek came to a point where he lost hope and became overwhelmed with despair, so on the emotional and spiritual front this seems to be where Derek’s main issues were.

I think of all the Celebrities over the years that seemingly had it all (Fame, Fortune, Career Success, pleasure, community service, many people liked them, etc.) and yet who in the end took their lives, or if not, who lived out their lives often in hopeless despair. Solomon in the bible comes to mind. He was one of the richest, most powerful men on the earth, he had thousands of wives and concubines he thought would bring him pleasure, was surrounded by people who respected his intelligence, etc. and yet in Solomon’s pursuit of happiness (Apart from God), in the end he only found despair. He writes in Ecclesiastes 1:14 “I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.”

As such, I would ask Derek if he believes the pursuit of happiness has led him where he wanted to go? I.E. Derek believed he could find meaning and fulfillment in his job as a University Professor, he believed he could find fulfillment and meaning in pleasures such as sex, alchohol, food, etc. He believed leading what he considered a moral life and treating others with kindness was enough to find meaning in this life and fill the emptiness he sometimes felt. He believed friendships and relationships with other people in this life (including his partner Michael) would lead to meaning.

I would ask Derek if the pursuit of happiness and the things listed above, apart from a pursuit of God, had provided for him anything lasting and of meaningful value? I would ask Derek if he had any Hope.

This seems to be the one common thing that those who take their life lack, Hope.

I would not ask Derek those questions today because I thought I was better than him, or because I hated Derek and was judging him, but I would have asked Derek those questions because in fact I cared about him and was deeply concerned for him.

It pains me greatly that Derek felt so alone in this world that he would take his own life in despair. I find that very sad knowing the reality that God loved Derek so much that he sent Jesus into this world to suffer and die to pay the eternal price for our sins and to pave the way for Derek to be reconciled with God and find the true purpose he was created for which is to love God, let God be God instead of him, and to be loved by his creator.

I have made friends of all sorts through the years (Male and Female, various Races, various countries, Democrat and Republican, Conservative and Liberal, various religions including Atheist/ Agnostic/ Muslim/ Hindu/ Budhist/ Christian/ New Age, etc.)

I want you all to know I will continue to love you and care about you regardless of if you come to the same conclusions I do or not. However, I share my faith with all of you for the same reason I wish I could still share it with Derek.

Despite many very difficult storms I have been through in this life, I have peace and I have a lasting hope. My hope is not built on a blind faith where I have tricked myself just to find comfort. I have thought long and deep on many different possibilities, and the most logical and reasonable choice always comes back to Jesus. In addition, I have personally encountered God’s Holy Spirit in life altering ways that I can never go back.

As such, my Faith is built on what I consider a very reasonable, logical, and strong foundation and I want to share this with others I care about as an encouragement.

I never, ever want someone I love like Derek to sit alone in a room and be so emotionally overwhelmed and so void of hope that they would take their own life to end their pain.

I am convinced that regardless of your present circumstances, There is hope in this world, and His name is Jesus.

I am also convinced it is a historical fact that Jesus rose from the dead, and since that is a very reasonable conclusion to make based on the evidence, there is hope for all of us.

We all have a choice in this world and we all have to come to our own conclusions.

You can choose to try to find meaning in family, friends, career success, being a moral and good person and showing people kindness, through material possessions, through pleasure, etc. However, I believe firmly that this type of a pursuit of happiness and fulfillment apart from Jesus will only in the end lead to emptiness and death.

The family you love will die. The job you get your fulfillment from will end. No amount of pleasure will in the end bring you peace. We think it would be great to hit the power ball so we can quit the daily grind of work, yet I also truly believe no amount of money would ever bring you true fulfillment and lasting peace.

I believe only humbly submitting to the authority of Jesus can truly bring that hope into your life. You are not alone in this world, adrift in a random cosmos filled with disinterested gods. That is not a delusion I have given into, but it is the very rational, logical and experiential conclusion the evidence leads me to.

I also am convinced that your Heavenly Father loves each of you individually beyond measure regardless of the circumstances you each find yourselves in. It is my great desire that all of you that I care about can experience that deep love and deep peace your Heavenly Father wants to give you and find an anchor for your hope that rests with Jesus who can see you through the storms of this life.

Happy Easter , On this Sunday, we celebrate the Day Jesus conquered the power of sin and death over us, rose back from the dead and brought the only lasting Hope that exists into this world.