Identity (Aug 10, 2022)

Who are you? If someone were to write your obituary, I am sure there would be a lot of things you would hope they would say about you like maybe you were kind, or funny, etc. What though is at your very core? What identity do you tie your self-worth to and is the key to defining who you are? I just wanted to share some thoughts about identity as I reflect that I hope you find interesting and encouraging.

1) Job: Sometimes our culture enforces that we define our self-worth and identity from our Job.

In June of 1990 I married my wife Colleen and graduated from Asbury College with a teaching degree in English and History, Secondary Education. At the time I graduated, there were hardly any jobs out there for me to even apply to (Most were for Math or Special Ed teachers). I did find 3 openings to apply for. One of those was for a middle school teacher of History in Franklin Louisiana.

One day I got a call from the principal of Franklin Middle School. My phone interview for the job was short and odd. I was basically only asked one question. He said, “How big are you?” Surprised I said I was 6’3” tall. He then said your hired, pack you bags and come on down. I did not understand that question, but I was happy to finally get a job. Colleen and I packed our bags and headed down to Louisiana.

My first day of School, I had I think 5 or 6 classes (Can not recall) and each class had 30 to 40 kids in it. I passed out a paper for all the kids to write down their names as well as the contact information with the names of their mom and Dad. What I got back was very sad. I would say 90% of the kids listed a mom but did not list a dad because they did not know who their father was. They say that many kids that grow up without a father around often struggle with discipline and that is exactly what I observed. There were constant fist fights, shouting, screaming, etc.

I quickly began to understand why I was asked how big I was as it started to become clear to me my job was more to break up fights, etc. than to teach. I grew up with a father that instilled a good work ethic in me and a lot of my personal identity and self-worth as a man was tied up in my job and what I did for a living. That being the case, as the weeks rolled on, I started to dread going back each Monday into that middle School to teach. I started to have physical reactions. I got through the end of the first semester, and then decided to quit. I did not believe physically, emotionally, etc. I would be able to finish the year out. I never have felt this way at any other jobs I have ever had, but teaching 7th and 8th graders in Franklin Louisiana was a bridge too far for me at that time.

I felt like a complete failure. I felt like I was an utterly worthless Human being. I was newly married. I was supposed to help pull my weight in bringing in money for our home and I just failed at that one year into being married. It was in the middle of that, I recall my dad encouraged me and told me I was not my job. I was a good son, a good brother, a good husband, a good friend, and most importantly I was an adopted child of my Heavenly Father who loved me regardless of my employment status.

Wow. I needed to hear that. I realized at that moment my identity and self-worth were tied to the wrong things. Now, I believe we are called by God to put in an honest day’s work for our employer and I am very grateful for my current job at Lexmark that helps me pay for AC, a roof over my head, food, etc. However, my job is not my identity. I no longer have my self-worth tied to what I do for a living. If I get laid off from Lexmark, this does not make me a worthless person.

As such, my job does not seem to be a good area to place my core identity into from my perspective. As I reflect on that, I reflect on some other areas our culture pushes us to find our identity and self-worth.

2) Race: Sometimes our culture enforces that we define our self-worth and identity from our Race.

I grew up in Shepherdsville Kentucky. The Population was almost entirely white, so I did not have a lot of experience with the topic of race and never thought too deeply on it. To me, I just looked at skin color like I looked at hair color. Some people have red hair, some have blonde hair, some black hair, some brown hair, some grey hair. That is a simple physical characteristic that has nothing to do with if a person is a nice person or a jerk. Jerks come in all hair colors as do nice people. I always made the same assumption on skin color that nice people with good morals and good character come in all races (and all nationalities), as do people who are not nice and are abusive to people.

As such, when I got the job as a teacher in Franklin Louisiana, it was a bit of a culture shock to me. I was only one of I think maybe 4 teachers in the entire school that were white, all the rest of the staff were black. Of the students, I would say at least 95% were black with maybe 5% or less white. I got along great with all the adult staff and experienced no racism, but many of my students were very racist. I had a lot of the black students calling me whitey, and making derogatory comments simply based on the color of my skin. Of course some of the white kids were also racist against the black kids. I had landed on the front line of a culture war back in 1991. The white kids thought they were better than the black kids, and the black kids thought they were better the white kids. Why did each group think they were better? Was it based on Honor, Character, how decent they treated others, etc. Nope, it was just based on skin color.

I was a bit astounded at that as it seemed idiotic. I further learned this was not just a black vs white issue, but among the blacks there was an issue on if you were a lighter skinned black vs a darker skinned black you were judged on that. That kind of blew my mind as I had no idea there was racism within the same race. I had never heard of that before.

Unlike work where I struggled with self esteem and identity, I have never been tempted to place my self- worth and identity primarily into my skin color. How can my self-worth be impacted by something I had no control over? How could I for instance feel proud to have white skin when that is just how I was born. That is like being proud I am tall or a man. I did not do anything to achieve these things, so how can I take pride in them. On the other hand, equally crazy to me is the notion I would feel below someone else or in any way ashamed due to my skin color. No one on this planet chose their skin color. How can it be either an accomplishment to be proud of or something to be ashamed of? Our skin colors, like our eye colors and hair colors, etc. simply speak to the unique and different ways God created us, but different is neither superior nor inferior.

As such, my race does not seem to be a good area to place my core identity into from my perspective though sadly it seems there are many people that choose to do this.

3) Gender: Sometimes our culture enforces that we define our self-worth and identity from our Gender.

I am a male and have always experienced life from that biological reality. When I was in middle school I was among the shorter kids, but over the summer between 8th and 9th grade I grew almost 10 inches and arrived back to start High School at a height of 6’3” and most of my classmates did not even recognize me. As a biological male I have XY Chromosomes, I went through puberty with testosterone coursing through my body that helped develop physical strength and facial hair, I have a different skeletal structure than women, and I have the Physical sexual genitalia of a male.

None of those things I had any responsibility for. It is the way God created me in my mother’s womb. Aside from Physical realities (many that could never be changed no matter what surgeries I had such as XY chromosomes, Skeletal structure, etc.) there are some stereotypes of males. Some of those stereotypes I fit (I love sports), and some I do not (I do not like working on cars, fixing things, etc. and I do like watching Romantic movies like Pride and Prejudice that is generally more preferred to be watched by women than by men). In some sense, being Male (XY Chromosomes) is a central part of my identity that I can never change, but the reality is just like race, I did nothing to achieve this. I was born this way. The same is true for females / women.

As such, why would I think being a man makes me superior to / or inferior to a woman? Why would my self esteem be tied into being a man and what does that even mean? Let’s say for instance I felt good about myself in my twenties because I was physically strong and I placed my self-worth on my strength as a man. Does this mean if I was in a car wreck in my twenties and no longer able to use my strength to help people I would suddenly become worthless? Or how about when I age and naturally get weaker decade by decade? Does my worth then diminish?

Now, I am a Man and I do not run away from that. It is a part of my identity and who I am, but just like with a job, I do not want to elevate this part of me too high as I personally do not believe this is where my self-worth derives nor is it part of my core identity that anchors who I am. In other words, If my kids were to put words on my tombstone saying “Here lies Eric Vanover, who was Male and not a Female”, and that is the only thing it said, then first of all I may come back and haunt them for that (😊), but second, clearly that should not make the cut of what to emphasize and put there as a core statement about me.

As such, my gender does not seem to be a good area to place my core identity into from my perspective.

4) Sexual orientation: Sometimes our culture enforces that we define our self-worth and identity from our Sexual Orientation.

June has been designated as “Pride Month”. We all need to come to our own conclusions here, and please know that if you disagree with what I am about to say, that is fine. I require no agreement to love people and I love you regardless. That being said, I have always thought “Pride Month” was off and personally I deem it as very unhealthy. I happened to be born with a natural sexual orientation that as a heterosexual man, I find women attractive. Once again, this is how I was born, so just like my hair color, skin color, gender, nation I was born into, etc. should not cause me to swell with pride and place all my self esteem eggs into those baskets, I do not understand why I should place my self-esteem and identity into my sexual orientation. Once again, if my kids put on my tombstone “Here Lies Eric Vanover who found women attractive.” And that was the focal point for summing me up, that would seem to demean me. If that is true for heterosexuals, it seems equally true for homosexuals.

The LGBTQ community has for years said that having a sexual orientation as being gay (Men attracted to Men) or Lesbian (Women attracted to women) is something people are born with. So then, let us assume that is true. If true, then why are you proud of it? You did nothing to earn this. Also, why would your sexual orientation be a cause for others to celebrate you? I have known men who are Gay who are some of the nicest people you could ever meet and they treat others with respect and are great friends, siblings, etc., but I have also known men who are gay who are completely selfish jerks that bully others and are abusive. Are you telling me I should celebrate a selfish, bullying, abusive Gay man simply because He is attracted to other men? I want to say here that if you say yes, that is ok. I never require agreement to love other people, and if we disagree here, I still love you and I still believe you are a special person created in the image of God and worthy of my respect. That being said, we will have to agree to disagree, as I can not see how placing one’s identity and self-worth into their sexual orientation is helpful.

In fact, on this topic it makes me think back to my wedding day. Colleen’s closest childhood friend Derek walked her down the Aisle at our wedding. Derek happened to be gay, but that is not why He was Colleen’s closest childhood friend. He was her friend because Derek was a great guy. When her father died of Cancer when she was young, Derek walked through that storm with her. She had other difficult storms she faced as a child where Derek also stood by her. Despite being an Atheist and wearing a ban the bible button, Derek respected Colleen’s faith and even bought her a nice cross necklace. They celebrated birthdays together over the years. Colleen loved Derek deeply, and He loved her deeply as well.

As I look back on Derek, I do not admire Derek for his sexual orientation. I could care less who he was attracted to. I admire him for being such a good friend to my wife Colleen in her childhood before I ever met her at times when she faced unbelievable storms. I admire his loyalty, compassion, kindness and always being there for her. These are the reasons Derek was chosen to walk Colleen down the Aisle at our wedding, not because Derek was attracted to other men. Had Derek been gay but a total Jerk, He would not have walked Colleen down the aisle at our wedding.

For me personally, I find it disrespectful to Derek for people to sum him up as simply a Gay Man to check off a box. He was so much more than that to Colleen and much more than that to me. That is why I do not attend Gay Pride parades, as I think they place the emphasis on why someone has worth and on their core identity in the wrong place and detracts from what is important about them.

As such, Sexual Orientation does not seem to be a good area for me (or anyone from my perspective) to place our core identity and self worth into.

Ok, so then, if my self-esteem and core identity is not linked to my job, my race, my gender or my sexual orientation, where is it linked?

Well, we all must come to our own conclusions, but for me, this is where I have landed as an emphasis for where I place my own personal core identity and worth:

A) I am Created in the Image of God (Genesis 1:26)

Comments: In some religions, People and earthworms are basically the same value and worth. The biblical God affirms His creation is all good and He cares about all of it, However, the God revealed in the Bible tells us Humans have a higher value to God as we are different from plants, insects, animals, etc. in that we are created in the Image and likeness of God. This means all human beings have a capacity to reflect the Love of God to the World around them and all Human beings are worthy of being treated with dignity, Love and respect including myself.

B) I am a flawed/imperfect human being that struggles with selfishness/sin at times. Romans 3:23.

Comments: Seems like obvious truth to me at least. I need to understand this basic core struggle I have with selfishness and sin. Ignoring it will not make it go away. Owning it allows me to deal with it honestly to move away from the suffering my sin inevitably leads me to and instead to a better path God has.

C) I am deeply loved by God , Romans 5:8

Comments: A part of my core identity is I am loved beyond measure by my Heavenly Father and that love is not dependent on my earning it or any actions I take.

D) I am forgiven by God through Jesus death on the cross / Eph. 1:7 / 1 john 1:9

Comments: It is a core part of my identity that I am free to be honest with God about my struggles. I am free to take ownership of my actions, to use words like “I am Sorry” , “Please forgive me” as part of my relationship with God.As part of that exchange, God is then faithful and just to forgive me of my sins and clean me up day by day to be more and more like Jesus.

E) I am an adopted Child of God, A prince of Heaven

Romans 8:14 For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons and daughters of God. 8:15 For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons and daughters by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!” 8:16 The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, 8:17 and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.

Comments: I am not under a legally binding agreement with God, but rather through my Faith in the goodness of God and in Jesus’s work on the cross, and my willingness to submit and be led by the Spirit of God, God has adopted me as His son. I am thus an adopted prince of Heaven.

Honestly, what could be bigger than that to lean on for my self esteem and my core identity. The great news is He wants the same for you to be an adopted Son or Daughter of your Heavenly Father.

Conclusion: We all have to determine what we believe makes us special, what gives us our identity and anchors our self-worth. The world will tell you some crazy things like it is about your race, your gender, your sexual orientation, your job, etc. As for me, when asked the question “Who am I?” I simply reply that I am created in Gods image, I am a forgiven, adopted Child of God and I am loved beyond measure by my Heavenly Father. That is the Identity I am anchored to and that I rest on. Who are you and where do you rest? Blessings to you and your family.