The one true hope (Jan 2017)

Below is what I shared at my wife Colleen's Funeral. I share it here on this blog in the hope that it may be an encouragement to others as you face your own storms. If you find it interesting and encouraging, please feel free to share it with others.

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If you are reading this letter it means that my precious wife Colleen Cecil Vanover has passed away (12/22/2016 1:30am). I wrote this while Colleen was still alive, back in August 2016 (with a few small edits since). Colleen asked me in August to help plan her funeral, which I did, and this included she wanted me to give the main address during the service. As such, I wrote out my thoughts to review with Colleen. I read this to her and she approved me sharing this letter with all who are reading this.

We are thankful for all who have helped us over the years by driving the kids, visiting in hospitals, bringing us meals, helped us financially, etc. and especially to all those who prayed for us, encouraged us and supported us. All of you are a true treasure to us and we pray God will bless you and your families. God allowed Colleen to face many difficult challenges in her life, yet we praise God for all the opportunities Colleen was given to share her sweet unwavering faith in Jesus with people she may have otherwise never come into contact with such as doctors, nurses, counselors, caregivers and others whose lives were touched and deeply impacted by Colleen through the years.

Where have we been:

As some background, I met my wife at Asbury College. We went out to Texas to ring bells for the Salvation Army in Dallas in December of 1987. Colleen and I stayed up till 4am every night talking to each other, then woke at 8am to go ring bells all day. I should have been exhausted, but I felt like I was floating on air speaking to Colleen and getting to know her. Colleen was very beautiful; she had a tender heart, was full of compassion, and loved from the depths of her soul. That is what made me fall in love with her and what I still most admire about her today.

Colleen and I married on June 2nd, 1990 in a small church in Harrodsburg, Kentucky. As Colleen and I stood and faced one another, we spoke our wedding vows not just before our guests, but more importantly before our creator. Little could we know however how significant were these vows, “For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part”.

God blessed us over the years with opportunities to do foster care, blessing us with two wonderful daughters in Faith and Mercy, and allowing us to meet and know so many wonderful people.

Our initial foray into sickness began in 1999 when Colleen became diabetic. Colleen required insulin to regulate her glucose / sugar levels and wore an insulin pump on her arm for the remainder of her life.

In 2006, Colleen began to be unable to sleep. We went to the doctor and various tests were performed to rule out restless leg syndrome, hyper thyroid, sleep apnea, etc. These tests went on for several months. Colleen went for 3 or 4 months straight without any sleep.

One day, Colleen called me and said I needed to come home from work right away. I went down to the basement where Colleen was. She told me she had something she wanted me to see. When she raised up her shirt, there were cut marks all across her stomach and she held a carving knife in her hand. Colleen looked at me and pleaded with me to help her. She said she could not go on like this. I packed up Faith and Mercy, dropped them off at Scott and Julie Dick’s home, and took Colleen to the ER to confirm her wounds were ok. We later were transferred to the ridge mental hospital where Colleen was diagnosed as bi polar.

For those not familiar with this, Bi Polar is a chemical imbalance in the brain. If a person had a fever of 105 degrees, most people would understand this person might say some strange things and would need some ice packs, Tylenol, etc. to have the fever break. Other mental disorders are not that much different. Something is wrong in the body, specifically the brain. In Bi Polar people there is a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes the person not to be able to shut down their mind at times. For Colleen, Bi Polar demonstrated itself in that she would have racing thoughts. At night when the rest of us would shut down our minds and rest and sleep, Colleen would have thoughts repeat over and over, like “ Did I add chicken to the grocery list?” , and then repeat over and over “Did I add Chicken to the grocery list?” The effect of this for Colleen at least was like a prisoner of war, with bright lights shining in her eyes, loud music and constant shaking to prevent her from sleeping. Eventually after several days the mind can no longer function and starts to break down.

Well, every person’s chemistry is different so a med combination that works for one person does not necessarily work for another. Over the next 2 years we tried various med combinations to help Colleen sleep. Some of them caused her to scream in agony as her legs felt like they were exploding. Another caused her to have heart attack like symptoms, and yet another caused her to sleep 20 hours per day and of course no meds at all led to additional mental breakdowns and disasters. Finally, after 2 years we landed on a combination of meds that allowed Colleen to sleep and function. That was a true blessing.

In 2010, after 11 years of diabetes and 4 years of Bi Polar we discovered Colleen had congestive heart issues and she went to the ER and began to see a Cardiologist. In August 2014 Colleen had a hysterectomy and was not able to fully recover. We did not understand why at the time, but later discovered because her liver was not working well, it took Colleen an entire week to flush the anesthesia out of her body. She went on Oxygen at this point. We later found out Colleen had a pulmonary shunt, or a hole in the upper chamber of her heart that prevented oxygen from getting to the blood.

Next, in June of 2015 Colleen was diagnosed with Non Alcoholic Cirrhosis of the liver. We were told at the time she would not qualify for a liver transplant as the doctor estimated she had at least 5 more years left on her liver (He was only considering her liver, not her heart, diabetes, etc.). Later in October 2015 UK decided to include the oxygen as additional criteria for evaluation which added points to her score and they let us start the application process (which has several steps) for the transplant program so we started looking into this.

In November 2015 Colleen fell and broke her ankle so her rehab period delayed follow up with the UK transplant clinic. Then in April 2016 Colleen was admitted into the Ridge after a mental breakdown, further delaying the follow up with UK. In July of 2016, we faced a cross roads. Follow up with UK on the transplant process or go into Hospice. UK only performs single organ transplants. Given the transplant would not fix Colleen’s congestive heart failure issues, given she likely would remain on oxygen, given she would still have severe diabetes which would immediately impact any new liver and work against the anti- rejection meds, and given Colleen would still have severe arthritis, fibromyalgia, Bi Polar, etc. , Colleen had to decide if under those conditions, if she wanted to seek a transplant and spend the next few months in and out of hospitals as they ran tests, with the risk she could die before we got through the process, or go into hospice and spend that time at home. She elected Hospice and spent the last 6 months of her life with us in our home.

In 2015, I noticed that her glucose reading at night would drop 200 points because her liver was no longer capable of storing sugar and releasing it over the night as it does for all of us.

As such, there were times she would crash low in the middle of the night and I would have to try to get food or liquid down her when she was unresponsive. This proved too difficult, so we went to ensuring her glucose levels went up to 300 at night so by morning she would be at normal 100 range and could eat before crashing. In addition, at the early part of 2015 Colleen began to have ammonia build up in her blood as her liver was unable to keep up and remove the toxins out of her body. Ammonia buildup can cause mental confusion, organ damage and eventually a coma if left untreated.

This conflict between Colleen’s Diabetes, Bi Polar, her heart and her liver left us in a position many have never experienced. Being forced to keep Colleen’s glucose readings high meant I had to help her use the bathroom multiple times each night when she was knocked out from her Bi Polar meds and to treat the ammonia we had to give Colleen a med that gave her constant diarrhea during the day, having to go to the bathroom at minimum every hour, and sometimes every 30 minutes. This was exhausting for Colleen and also for us her caregivers.

We had other crazy choices and conflicts we were confronted with. For example, Bi Polar meds and even insulin make you very hungry, but Diabetics need to control the amount they eat. Liver issues call for removal of all meds that help you sleep, yet Bi Polar requires these meds in order to let the mind rest and to sleep at all.

With the issues Colleen had with Oxygen, Ammonia and Bi Polar, all of which worked together to confuse her mind, We got used to strange or funny moments. I.E. There were many times Colleen thought there was music playing when it was totally quiet, or at times we had mythical creatures like elves or gremlins come in that she would speak with and that helped her play cards. I remember one night in our prayer group Colleen asked prayer for George and everyone took notes on this and all were concerned about George. Turned out though that George was a stuffed animal, a lamb, my daughter Faith gave her mom to sleep with. We found those closest to us were very loving and accepting of our strangeness and just loved us right where we were, weird and all. That was a great comfort.

However, there were also painful times over the years when Colleen could not remember living in our house and thought she was in the wrong home, or looked at me, her Husband at the time of 25 years and did not recognize me, or times when Colleen was locked inside her own mind in terror as viscous monkeys told her to hurt herself, etc. Those were all very difficult and painful times for Colleen as well as for Faith, Mercy and I. Amazingly, thru all the difficulties Colleen faced, she remained positive. She was overwhelmed on a few occasions and unsure she could take anymore, but I never once remember her complaining and she never once questioned God that I can recall. Her Faith was remarkable and unshaken.

This leads us to the present. For some, death comes far too swiftly. One moment your loved one is there, and the next, through a car accident, etc. they are simply gone. The pain of this sudden departure without being able to say goodbye is overwhelming. For others, they may have had a short period to adapt like 6 months, but still this time rushes by like a whirlwind. For others, like us, we experienced a long, slow and steady decline. We stood by helplessly watching as the woman we loved began to slip away from us more and more day by day and year by year. As our family faced this seemingly endless Hurricane, the question arises, where do we place our hope? What do we teach our children?

Fading hope

There are many people that can temporarily give us hope. Doctors can provide life-saving medicine and procedures, firemen can pull us out of the blaze, police officers and our brave Men and women in the military can protect us from those who would seek to do us harm. Maybe you see hope in the government or the Church. Yet in the end, none of these people can keep themselves from dying; much less provide us with a lasting hope.

We can read every book written by mankind and store up more knowledge than any human ever has, yet this will not prevent our deaths or the deaths of those we love.

What about our children. Surely they carry with us all of our hopes and aspirations? Yet our children also are doomed to die, as are their children and their children’s children.

What if we dedicate ourselves to good works? We can help feed the poor at soup kitchens and homeless shelters. We can build for them houses that will shelter them from the elements. Is there not hope in this? Well, these are worthy and noble pursuits to be sure. In fact, as a Christian, Jesus has indeed called us to help the poor and the downtrodden:

Mathew 25:37 Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 25:38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 25:39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ 25:40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Yet, Jesus also said this was not enough.

Luke 4:4 And Jesus answered him, saying, It is written, That man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God.

If I give a homeless person a home to live in and food to eat, I make their life on this earth better, yet in the end still the grave will claim them and nothing I did for them will help them at that point. Also, no amount of good deeds will spare me from death either. No, there is no hope in simple good deeds.

How about healing? Many prayed for my wife to be healed. Is there not hope in this? Well, there is a temporary hope in this. Had everyone’s prayers been answered and Colleen been healed of all she suffered with, she might stand amongst us on this very day. But then what? At some point in the not so distant future, we would be right back here gathered at Colleen’s funeral, facing her death. No, as wonderful as temporary healing is in this life, this too is a fleeting hope that in the end will vanish.

The one true Hope

We each have to come to our own conclusions, but Colleen and I decided we did not want to build the foundation for our children on Education, Sports, Career, Government, the Church, Good works, or even on prayer, miracles or healing. We believe all of these on their own can be good and worthy of our attention, but if we build our foundation on them, we believe our children would be left in sinking sand.

Instead, we have built our foundation on the Holy word of God. We believe that the existence of God is beyond dispute and that all creation bears witness to this fact. We also believe creation bears witness to a personal God who created each of us with unique fingerprints, retina, DNA and thus placed an individual stamp on us in order to say we are all very special to our creator.

Our creator placed us in a world with beautiful sunsets, waterfalls, wonderful tastes like Chocolate, and an amazing array of animals and plants that are dazzling. We believe that this evidence from creation all points to a God that is a personal God and loves His creation. We thus believe that this same creator desires a relationship with us and wants to communicate with us.

We do not believe in a formless unknowable God, but rather we believe God has indeed written all of us a personal love letter over the years in the form of the bible. This book was written by many mere mortal men it is true, but it is the only book given authority to by Jesus. The archeological, scientific, and historical evidence that the bible is true is overwhelming if one will honestly review it, but in the end, we believe it does come down to Faith.

Faith that the Bible is indeed the inspired word of God sent as a personal message to each of us that we may know and understand our creator.

As such, Colleen and I have taught our children these 5 basics that sum up the key message of hope the bible contains:

A) Heaven and Eternal life is a free gift from God, It can’t be earned and it is not deserved. (Eph 2:8,9, Gal 2:16).

B) We are all sinners (Isa 53:6, Rom 3:23), me especially, and none of us can save ourselves (Romans 6:23), we desperately need to repent for wanting to be our own god and turn to the true God who loves us and has promised to help clean us up (1 John 1:9).

C) God is both Merciful and Just. He is merciful in that He does not want to punish us (John 3:16, 2 Peter 3:9), but He is just in that He has to (Exodus 34:7, Luke 13:5).

D) Jesus is 100% God (John 1:1), Co creator of the Universe (Gen 1:26, John 1:3), who has always existed (John 8:58), and who holds all things together (Col 1:17).

Jesus is also 100% Human, who came down to earth and was born of a virgin (Luke 1:30-33), lived among us (Mathew, Mark, Luke, John), weeps with us (John 11:35, Ps 56:8), and understands how difficult life on earth can be (Isa 53:3-11, John 18:2, John 19:1-3, Luke 23:33 to 39).

Jesus died (Luke 23:46), Rose from the dead (Luke 24:1 to 8), his innocent blood paid the eternal price for our sin (Eph 1:7-8) and Jesus has purchased eternal life for us (John 3:16)

E) We access this free gift from God through Faith. Faith is not head knowledge as even the demons know there is one true God (James 2:19), but true Faith is trusting that God loves us, wants a personal relationship with us, and that Jesus Christ and Jesus Christ alone is God’s plan for our salvation. (John 14:6, Eph 1:5, 2 CO 5:18)

So then, as we sit here today, I want to proclaim 2 things:

1st, even as a Christian that totally believes the 5 points just discussed, I want to affirm that it is ok for myself and my children and others to mourn the loss of Colleen. Jesus said “Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted”. I stand here today separated from my best friend, my confidant, the love of my life. There is an empty hole in my heart and I grieve this separation from Colleen.

Never again in this life will I be able to turn to my wife for counsel and advice. Never again will my daughters in this life be able to sit around the table and laugh and joke with their mother and bask in the joy of her love for them. Never again in this life will we hear her laugh, or cry or even shout. Colleen’s voice is lost to us for now and this pain can be overwhelming. Even though we saw this coming, yet still it will take us time to come to terms with this loss and we appreciate all of your prayers as we suffer through this.

2nd, that being said, I would like to include some scripture now that brings us great comfort and is the anchor of the hope that lies within us:

Psalms 56:8 is Colleens favorite verse “You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book? (This verse perfectly reflects God loves us in the midst of our pain)

Romans 8:38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 8:39 nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Phil 3:8 More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, 3:9 and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith,

3:10 that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.

And finally, my personal favorite promise of God:

Revelations 21:4 and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.”

So today even in the midst of our grief and mourning, we also celebrate the infinite grace of our Heavenly Father who through Jesus sacrifice on the cross and resurrection from the dead has finally provided us the Hope on which we can build our foundation on.

For Colleen, we celebrate as that hope is now partially realized as she stands in the presence of her Heavenly Father. For all those who prayed for healing for Colleen, today we celebrate that healing! Never again will Colleen need to wear oxygen; never again will she have a failing liver, heart issues, fibromyalgia, arthritis, diabetes. Never again will Colleen experience the mental confusion she suffered with Bi Polar. Today Colleen stands with her creator who loves her beyond measure. We can only imagine the great Joy and wonder that Colleen beholds at this very moment.

We also stand encouraged that while we ourselves are separated from Colleen today, we have the hope that just as Jesus rose from the dead and conquered the power of death over us once and for all, so to we who love Jesus and accept him as our Lord and savior can also one day rise again.

The time that my girls are losing now with their mother and that I am losing with my wife, will be fully restored once we too rise to live in eternity with our Lord and King Jesus Christ. In 10,000 years as I sit around a table with Colleen, Faith and Mercy and indeed with those of you who have also accepted Jesus as your personal Lord and savior, all of us will struggle to even recall the worries and struggles of this life as we live in the everlasting joy that our God has given to us.

For anyone reading this, if you do not have this hope in your life, I want to encourage you to talk to me later if you have a chance, or e-mail me back so we can discuss this. Your Heavenly Father loves you and you are a precious treasure to God. He does not want you to be content with fleeting hope, but your Heavenly Father longs to have a personal relationship with each of you.

We have found in our lives that as we read our bible and meditate on God’s word, and as we open our hearts in prayer to God and seek His will for our lives, that day by day, and year by year God has been faithful to forgive us of our sins and clean us up more and more. Despite all our family has gone through, we are here to testify to all present that you can have Joy and you can have peace in all things, even death, as long as your anchor is Jesus Christ.