Angry with God (Dec 15, 2022)

As I neared my Mother-in-Law Wanda’s door and was about to knock, I heard her shouting “He is a murderer and a liar!” I then realized Wanda was on the phone with someone. When I heard my name as the follow up, I realized she was not talking about someone on the news, but rather the murderer and liar she was speaking about on the phone was me. Now you would think I would have been shocked to accidently overhear that, but actually it came as no surprise to me, though I did find it sad at the time.

There were times over the years when my relationship with my mother-in-law Wanda was strained, and in fact Colleen had her own struggles with her mom at times. That being said, over the last 6 years of Wanda’s life I felt we had a pretty good relationship.

That all went off the rails however the day Colleen and I gathered our family (including my daughters Faith and Mercy, Colleen’s sister Tonya, and Tonya’s daughter / my niece Hannah) in July of 2016 to share the news that Colleen had decided to go into hospice. While I have often looked at Hospice as a wonderful organization that is a real blessing to help people walk the final stretch of life, Wanda had strong feelings about Hospice and considered them murderers.

Wanda loved Colleen and the thought of losing her was too painful to consider and as such despite all evidence to the contrary, Wanda understandably struggled to let her daughter Colleen go. We all struggled through that, some of us with profound sadness, and some like Wanda with great anger (often anger is simply sadness in grief disguised in a different form).

Wanda had enormous anger and denial that Colleen was going to die. I remember she kept saying Colleen was not going to die and any talk like that was stupid. Then around December 20th, 2016, after Colleen went into a coma and was transferred from our house to St. Joe’s Hospice unit, I remember when Wanda walked into the hospital room, the second she saw Colleen she finally understood indeed Colleen was going to die and it took her breath away. When Colleen did die on December 22, 2016, Wanda blamed hospice and she blamed me for letting Colleen go into hospice. Wanda was so angry with me that I actually thought at Colleen’s celebration of life / funeral (01/21/2017), it was very possible that Wanda would rise up in the middle of my speaking, point to me, and call me a murderer. I was actually surprised and relieved when that did not happen.

Wanda could not bear to come to Colleen’s viewing (12/23/2016) that was open to the immediate family. As part of that time, we looked at Scrap books Colleen had made and recalled many of the wonderful times that God has blessed us with that we had shared with Colleen. I found that very healing and I wanted that for Wanda. I knew however she could not receive that from me at the time, so I sent my sister-in-law Valerie and my daughter Mercy with the Scrap books to let Wanda look through them and begin to heal.

Now Wanda was angry with me for the 6 months prior to Colleen dying, and for the 6 months after her death, but then over the next few years Wanda and I started to draw closer together and I saw the Lord healing her spirit from the pain of losing her daughter. In the last year of Wanda’s life before she passed in October of 2020, she said two things to me I never thought I would ever hear in this life. First, she told me she was sorry for how she had treated me and asked me to forgive her. I told her of course I forgive her and also asked her forgiveness of anything I was blind to where I had treated her without respect. Second, she said she thought I was a good husband to her daughter Colleen and thanked me for that. Honestly, when Wanda said that I was shocked to my core. She had never once over all the years I had known her (33 years) said she was sorry to me about anything I could recall and had never said she appreciated how I treated her daughter. I would have been less surprised if the Rocky Mountains flew into the air and cast itself into the ocean than I was to then hear Wanda say that. It spoke powerfully to the healing the Lord had done in her heart.

Over that period around Colleen’s death, I was never angry with Wanda for the anger that she directed at me as I understood the deep pain and grief that she was going through in losing her daughter Colleen. I did however notice something odd about Wanda’s anger that puzzled me at the time and that I have recently been reflecting on.

Wanda was angry at me, she was angry at Hospice, she was angry at life over losing Colleen. You know who she did not say she was angry at, but that I firmly believe she indeed had the most anger for, it was God. Wanda loved God and appreciated God’s love as demonstrated on the cross. I think she felt she was not allowed to be angry at God, and so she focused that anger elsewhere.

I think a lot of Christians struggle with this same Delima that faced Wanda when they face great suffering. Is it ok to get angry at God? Is it ok to be honest about how we are feeling with God?

I know this may sound crazy, but anyone that walked beside me through everything we went through with my wife Colleen can attest that I never felt anger towards God or anger towards the suffering Colleen and my children were going through. There were times I felt overwhelmed and asked God to help me make it through the day, but I did not get angry with God. I knew many kids that had lost a parent in the past, and many husbands besides me that had watched their wife suffer from illness and die before. I was fully submitted to Gods plan even through it was difficult. I was able to see in the storms leading up to Colleen’s death how God was molding my character, my wife Colleen’s character and both of my daughter’s character and that He was not wasting our suffering.

After we had buried my wife Colleen in December of 2016, buried my Dad in October of 2018, buried my Sister in Law Tonya in January of 2019, I finally thought we were out of the storms for a while and I was seeing my kids start to heal from all those painful years of watching their mom slip away.

Then in April of 2019 I finally came to a place in Gods plan that made me frustrated and a bit angry with God. We learned in April of 2019 that Paula Rankin had pancreatic cancer. Paula was Colleen’s best friend who stood fiercely beside Colleen when we discovered she had Bi-Polar. My Daughters Faith and Mercy grew up with Paula’s daughter Wesley and they were all basically sisters. Paula sat in the hospital with me at Colleen’s side many times when we first decided to go into Hospice in July of 2016 and Paula/Her Husband David/Her Daughter Wesley and her son Bo walked through all we went through with Colleen with us as family. The Rankins were a godsend to us, and I consider Paula my sister who was in my inner most circle of trusted people on this planet. There were many times over the years when Colleen was unable to function mentally or physically and Paula had been a 2nd mom to my Daughters Faith and Mercy. I could not believe that after all the suffering my daughters went through in losing their mom, that God was expecting them to do it again with Paula and I could not believe after all the faithfulness the Rankins had done in so blessing us, that now they were facing the overwhelming pain of losing Paula. I know many people in this world have gone through more suffering than this, and I know we were blessed by God to have had the time we had with Paula, but still, it just did not seem fair to me at the time.

I gathered Faith and Mercy together and recall telling them that Paula had pancreatic cancer. We all just looked at the floor and said this really stinks. We did not like God’s plan. What on earth was He thinking?

I was frustrated with God over this, and yet I also knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loved my daughters, that He was for them and not against them, and that he would not waste their suffering. I knew the same that God loved Paula, David, Wesley, and Bo beyond measure.

I recall Paula saying she did not see clearly what the purpose of God’s plan was here, but she did believe God would not waste her suffering and that God was for her and her family and was faithful to look after David, Wesley, and Bo while she was separated from them.

Paula died in February 2020 and while I am excited for Colleen that Paula is with her in Heaven, for those of us left behind being separated from them is still difficult. That being said, while I still almost 3 years later do not fully understand why God decided to take Paula home, I know the Lord has been faithful to look after her family as well as my kids and I do see good things he has brought into their lives in this world as we wait for that future reunion. I also can see it likely was not an accident God brought our two families together knowing we would walk similar paths.

I guess when I think about this question, Is it ok to question God? Is it ok to be upset with God? a few examples from the bible come to mind.

First, In Genesis Chapter 18 Abraham questions God over God’s plan to destroy Sodom. Abraham is upset at this prospect and shares his concerns with God. This conversation between Abraham and God is what we would expect in a personal relationship where feelings and thoughts are expressed and discussed. I see no where in this exchange does God rebuke Abraham for his questions, but He patiently walks through the confusion with him. This tells me that my God is ok with us expressing our concerns to Him in a respectful manner.

Another example in the bible I think about is how David interacted with God. Psalms 10 verse 1 says “Why, LORD, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?” with David honestly expressing frustration that God at times seems slow to hear and respond. Many of the Psalms are David working through his emotions with God, but they almost always end with a statement of Faith in God that despite the frustrations, He knows God is good. Psalms 10 ends for example with this: Vs 17: You, LORD, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, Vs 18 defending the fatherless and the oppressed, so that mere earthly mortals will never again strike terror.

David all through the Psalms pours out his Heart to God, sometimes in overwhelming gratitude, sometimes in Frustration, but always in a respectful manner.

As a parent, I have had disagreements with my own children in the past. I am ok with my adult children disagreeing on conclusions I have made in life. I have no requirement from anyone, especially my adult children, to agree with me in order to love them. I do however require conversations where disagreements that occur need to be polite and respectful and they require the same of me.

I really have experienced in my personal relationship with my Heavenly Father the same. My God is ok for me to be frustrated with his plan and not like it. He is ok for me to express the pain I am feeling related to His plan directly to Him and share my heart with Him. However, He expects there to be a level of respect in my communicating my feelings to Him as He has more than earned that. How can I treat my Lord with disrespect when He willingly left the Glory of His throne in Heaven to humble himself and come down to earth, to be born as a helpless baby and take on human flesh, and to willingly allow sinful humans to torture and kill Him to pay the eternal price for my sin and to make a way for me to have eternal life. While my feelings may get upset with My God, my feelings are always balanced by the Truth that my God loves me beyond measure, He wants good for me and for those I love, and He does not ask me to go through any more suffering than He was willing to go through on my behalf.

Now, circling back to that Anger that Wanda was feeling. I think she would have been well served to directly express her frustration to God. Despite that reluctance, it seems obvious to me that the Lord helped her work through the deep pain of being separated from her daughter Colleen. She was so frustrated over the pain of not being able to see Colleen and it felt to her that it was so long to wait until she could see Colleen again, and yet less than four years later in October 2020 Wanda died and now thanks to Jesus she is with Colleen in Heaven.

On my side, I am now 6 years closer to seeing Colleen again and coming up in Feb 2023 being 3 years closer to seeing my sister in the Lord Paula again. To us these years seem like a long and painful time, but to God it is like He is the parent driving the car, and I am sulking and saying how much further. He tries to reassure me the trip will go faster than I expect and very soon I will be on the shores of Heaven where I will never again have to say goodbye but only Hello. He calls me to trust him, and despite my current frustrations with God, I do trust Him, and I do trust Gods promises as He has always been faithful to me in this life, He has never lied to me, and most importantly He is my Heavenly Father who I know loves me beyond measure.

Conclusion: So if you are going through the storm and you are frustrated with God, I encourage you to share those frustrations with God and just be honest on how you are feeling. I also however encourage you not to accept your feelings as truth, because the truth is God loves you beyond measure, He is for you and not against you, He is using your suffering to make you learn your dependence on Him and to conform you to be more like Jesus, and He will never waste your suffering. Jesus has also gone through suffering and has great empathy for you in your own current sufferings.

Love you all. Merry Christmas to You and Your Families

P.S. Pictured below are left to right Wanda, Colleen, Paula (all 3 in Heaven with Jesus) and Wesley (Paula's Daughter) and my Daughters Faith and Mercy