Broken Relationships (Dec 2019)

As we wind down the year of 2019, I know the Holiday season can be painful at times. In some cases that pain comes from being separated from those we love due to death, and in other cases, sadly the pain comes because our relationships are broken with those we love who are living. I have been reflecting on this and the differences between Grace, Forgiveness and trust and the key roles each of these play in reconciliation and healing. Hope you find this post interesting and encouraging. Merry Christmas to you and your Families.

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I have certainly, like most people, experienced deep sorrow at various times over the course of my life. However, I can only recall 2 times in my adult life when I have wept for an extended period and both involved separation in a relationship.

The latest was after my wife Colleen passed away. After staying strong for Colleen, my girls, and others, there came a moment several days after her death, when on Christmas morning of 2016 it was finally my time to let go and weep. While this my 3rd year without Colleen is easier than that first year, still there are times when something will trigger my grief and loss. I love Colleen deeply and I know she loves me as well, so in that sense our relationship is not “broken” in the normal sense of the word, but never the less, her death has brought with it a temporary separation that prevents us from speaking to each other and the loss of her voice in my life remains painful.

The first time I can remember weeping as an adult was not the result of any death, but it was the result of broken relationships. I love the members of my original family. My Dad, My Mom and My brother. All of them have wonderful attributes, but also all of them, like me, have areas they struggle with at times. This of course is part of the normal human condition as we all struggle with sin and at times our sinful pride, etc. brings obstacles into our relationships with one another.

Sadly, the relationships within my original family became broken over time. After 30 years of Marriage, My Parents divorced in 1988 and in the 30 years that followed, I only recall them being at the same place on four occasions (My Wedding in 1990, a Thanksgiving Day meal at my apartment in 1991, My Daughter Faith’s baby dedication in 2000, and my Niece Amy’s wedding in 2011.) Aside from those four events, I do not think my parents were ever in the same room and they never spoke in all those 30 years.

Now, despite this, I was able to maintain a relationship with both my Dad and my Mom over the course of all those years until my Dad passed away last October 2018. Sadly though, my Dad and my brother also had a broken relationship and while there were years in which they got along, there were also many years they never spoke. It caused me deep pain over the years to see how broken all those relationships were as I love them all and was profoundly sad over the state of these broken relationships and the pain this brought into my family.

In 2001, it was my turn and my own relationship with my Brother and Sister in Law became broken. I will not go into the details, but there was some sinful pride on both sides that took us off track. I remember driving down to Raleigh to see them and talk and it did not go well. On my drive back to Kentucky, it sunk in that I could not fix all the relationships in my family they had with each other, and currently I could not even fix the broken one between myself and my brother and sister in law. That was an overwhelmingly sad realization and I pulled over to the side of the road and wept for at least 30 minutes straight. My family was a mess and currently in that moment, while the fact was my brother and my sister in law were alive and well in Raleigh, N.C., they might as well have been dead from the perspective of our broken relationship. I told God this was too big for me to fix, I needed His help.

I was weeping over the pain of being separated from my brother and my sister in law. I loved them, and they loved me, but despite that, our relationship was broken. None of us could figure out how to fix it. When we tried, it was just frustrating as our communication went in circles. We finally basically gave up for a while, and I think went for a few years without even contacting each other, which is unimaginable to me now.

I will say that Mike and I were blessed to have my Uncle Mark who met with us at his Cabin and helped us find our way back to each other. God used Mark as an answer to prayer to help us and I will forever be grateful. After that meeting, Mike and I were able to reestablish our relationship with each other. We talked on the phone, and I recall several times Mike came over to Atlantic Beach to meet with Colleen and I (Along with our daughters Faith and Mercy) on our vacation, bringing his youngest daughter Anna with him as well. I was grateful for those times we shared together.

After a few years of this, I recall one Beach trip where my Sister in law Valerie showed up along with my other Niece Amy, in addition to Mike and Anna. After years of not speaking to Valerie, I will say that was for sure one of the greatest days of my life to see Valerie walk out and have the joy of being able to be around my sister once again and I rejoiced greatly over that.

Over the last 13 years, My Brother Mike and Sister in Law Valerie have been in my closest inner circle of most trusted people. They were critical as support as we went through the various storms over the last 10 years of Colleens life and I consider them a treasure in my life and a blessing from a God who loves me. It was Valerie who sat with me in my living room Christmas morning of 2016 and comforted me as I wept after my late wife Colleen died and later it was my Brother Mike who sat by my side at Church that same day. When I was pulled over in my car weeping all those years before, it did not seem possible our relationship could ever be restored to the point it has been, but I am here today to testify my God is faithful and good and He never gives up on us His beloved children.

I share this in part as an encouragement. I know there are many people for whom the Holidays bring a degree of sadness due to broken relationships in their lives. I have seen many broken relationships over the years that I have prayed over. Some relationships I have seen restored in this life in amazing ways, while others I look forward in hope to see restored in the next.

As I reflect on the pain I experienced in my own broken relationships in the past, I am reminded that the bible is full of examples of broken relationships, but my favorite is the story of Joseph. Joseph’s brothers became jealous of him as his Father showed Joseph favoritism and loved him more than his other sons. As their jealousy went unchecked it grew to a point of hatred and eventually, they decided to kill their younger brother. They threw Joseph in a well and plotted his murder while he listened. In the end, they were afraid God would punish them if they killed him, so they sold their brother Joseph into slavery. He was taken to Egypt. They lied to their father and made him believe Joseph had been killed by a wild animal, even going so far as to take the coat his father had given to Joseph and putting blood on it. In the many years that followed it seems they never once told their father the truth.

Joseph spent the next several years as a slave, and then several years as a prisoner, before finally God lifted him up to become 2nd in command in all of Egypt. Talk about a lot Joseph had to forgive his brothers for! Those were extremely broken relationships. How could they ever be restored?

His brothers came to Egypt in the middle of a famine to ask for food and did not recognize him.

I find how Joseph dealt with them very instructive. He did not know over all the years if their hearts had changed or not, so He tested them, giving them an opportunity to reestablish trust. He put them into a position where they could betray Joseph’s younger brother and walk away free or stand up for their younger brother and risk Prison for all of them. The fact is while many spoke of regret for what they did in the past to Joseph, only one (Judah) actually stepped up and risked his life to save Benjamin, Joseph’s younger brother.

In doing so though, Judah freed up Joseph to reveal himself and Joseph wept with delight at being restored to his brothers. It seems apparent to me as I read this historical account, it was only through the power of God working behind the scenes in the hearts of Joseph’s brothers this restoration of these broken relationships was possible.

The fact Joseph wept like this speaks volumes and I take several lessons out of it.

1) Grace is freely given. Joseph fed his brothers and watched over them even before he fully knew if he could trust them.

2) Trust however is earned. As a Christian, I am called to love even my worst enemy, but I am also told to be harmless as doves, but wise as a serpent.

Can I show Grace to an unrepentant sinner who steals from me? Yes, I can with God’s help, but that does not mean I am going to give them my checkbook to balance.

Trust and Grace are not the same thing. We confuse this, thinking if we do not trust someone, it then frees us from our Christian obligation to love even our enemies, or conversely, we get confused and think if we are to love our enemies, we also are to freely trust them.

Neither of those are true. There are consequences for people’s actions and depending on what they do, that could even include prison. When I read about Pastors or Priests that molested a child, I believe time in Prison is the proper destination assuming the charges are found to be true.

Could I visit someone in prison that hurt me or worse my child? That would be very difficult to do, but with Jesus help, yes, I believe I could do that and show love to my enemy. Does that mean I have to trust them and if they get out seek them out to babysit my kids? Of course not.

Trust and Grace are not the same thing. I am called to pray for my enemy and love them, but I am not required to trust them.

Forgiveness is yet another aspect. If I can not be around a person in public, I have found that is a sure sign I have not forgiven someone. On the other hand, if I can be around them in public and treat them with kindness and love, but not necessarily trust them with a specific situation (Money, kids, to not gossip, etc.) that is simply being wise.

I think this is one of the struggles that Christians, and even churches deal with is drawing a line between Loving our enemies and showing them grace vs. establishing trust.

Joseph loved his brothers even before He knew if He could trust them. He fed them, watched after them, and longed to be reconnected with them. His love was not conditional on their response.

I think the fact that Joseph was able to be around his brothers in a public setting, to see them, eat with them, etc. speaks volumes to the fact he had forgiven them. If we think we have forgiven someone, but we can never publicly be around them, then personally I think we are deceived. I know in my life, if I can not be polite and be around a person, that has been a sign in my life I have not truly forgiven them, and God has had to work in my heart over this in my past. I thank God that He still shows me love and kindness even when I mess up.

On the other hand, Joseph did not immediately reveal himself to his brothers until he confirmed he could trust them.

It was only after Judah stood up for Benjamin and after Judah demonstrated his understanding of the destructive damage his sin had brought, that Joseph revealed himself. Prior to this, for all Joseph knew, his brothers might try to kill him if given the opportunity.

The utter joy that Joseph expressed when He was finally after so many years restored to his brothers, is also a picture of God’s heart to us.

Christmas is all about broken relationships.

God was in so much distress and pain over His broken relationship with us that He sent Jesus into the world to step down from His throne in Heaven, to humble himself to come down and be born as a baby. To live among us as Human, to suffer at sinful human hands on our account, to die for us to pay the eternal price for our sins and to rise from the dead breaking the power of sin and death over us so that we too may rise again to eternal life.

The entire focus is that God longs to see His relationship with us restored and our relationships with each other His children restored.

He longs to adopt us as His children and to lavish kindness and grace on us. He has done all He can on His side to restore His relationship with us, and as in the story of the Prodigal son, Our Heavenly Father is waiting for us with open arms ready to forgive us and welcome us home. However, for our relationship to be fully restored to God, there is also a part we must play. Like the Prodigal, we must decide if we are content eating slop with the pigs, or if we long to be at Our Father’s house. If we will honestly agree with God and turn back to him, He delights greatly in us His children, and as laid out so well in Galatians, he offers us not a legal contract where one misstep and we are out, but the comfort of a Loving relationship with our Heavenly Father who roots for us, patiently and lovingly works with us to instruct us and clean us up. Our Heavenly Father is for us and not against us.

God’s desire to fix our broken relationship with Him, and with each other is exciting and when we are able to fully experience that restoration it will drive us to weep for Joy even as Joseph did.

In the Calm, and in the Storm, God is good. Always.

Merry Christmas to you and your families