Letting Go (Aug 2017)

I know many of you have suffered the deep pain of being separated from those you love due to death. I wanted to share some thoughts with you and some of our own experiences through the grieving process. It is long, as I cannot share in a simple one sentence Facebook post, it takes some time to read, but if you do, I hope you find it encouraging. If you do, feel free to share this with others.

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Letting go

I do not think there is anything more difficult in this life than saying goodbye to those we love. I have been blessed in that both my parents still live, as does my brother and his family. Most all of my friends still live. Until December 2016, I had lost very few people I was close to.

As a pre-teen /teenager, I watched my Grandpa faced an unbelievable battle with A.L.S. I was young, but I remember one day he came out to our house and was using a cane. I had never seen him do that before and thought it was odd. The cane eventually gave way to a wheel chair. His car was transformed to add Handicap items so he could use his arm strength to push the gas or brake since his legs could no longer do it.

I remember him driving us grandkids around to pick up groceries. He always had this envelope full of coupons and he would go to multiple stores to get the best bargains at each. After a good days shopping, he would drive by white castle to get us some food. Grandpa was always very pleasant to be around. We always spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. at his house. He was the glue that held us together. Of course, I only saw him from a child’s perspective. I know now there must have been a lot of very serious adult discussions between my mom and her brothers in the background.

It was difficult to watch my grandfather decline year on year. He eventually needed to be hoisted to the toilet, as his muscles failed more and more. He needed a vacuum tube down his throat to keep him from choking on his own spit. Through the tremendous adversity he faced, I must say he faced it well.

As I reflect back now, I wish I had more understanding and sensitivity to what my Uncles Mark, Mick and Bob faced, as well as my mother. As difficult as it was for me to say goodbye to a grandparent, it had to be 1000 times harder for them to watch their Dad suffer and then finally have to say goodbye to him. It makes me tear up just thinking about it.

Over the years life happened and unfortunately I lost touch with my Uncles, Aunts and Cousins. Through the years I often thought, I will get around to that, but I rarely did. The past 10 years of my life, I had been struggling just to keep my own family afloat, so my resources were pretty thin. Still, I regret not carving out the time to keep in touch. I only saw my Uncle Bob a handful of times since my Grandpa died.

A few years ago, I got a call from my Uncle Mark telling me that my Uncle Bob had little time left. I think it was in the middle of the week, I thought I could make it to the weekend and come up to see him, but I was wrong. He died before I got to say goodbye, something I very much regret. I did manage to come to the viewing and see family I had not seen in years.

I had mixed emotions. Seeing the pain on my Cousin Marsha’s face, on my Uncle Mick’s face, and on others was difficult. They were very close to Bob and the pain of letting him go was overwhelming. On the other hand, getting to see family (Shawn, Marsha, Robin, Mark, Karen, Mick, Pat, Denise, etc.) was a true blessing despite the circumstances. I also learned that Bob had given his heart to Jesus, had been praying, and had found a relationship with his Heavenly Father through all of his pain and suffering. That news was a balm to my soul as I thought about the joy Bob felt when Jesus embraced him and welcomed him home.

Over the past ten years, God has taught me more about letting go. It has been a painful path to walk, but God has been there every step of the way to help me through it.

When I asked Colleen to marry me, we made plans and dreamed dreams. We both talked about growing old together and envisioned sitting around in dual rocking chairs and holding hands as we reflected back on a long and blessed life together. We envisioned sitting together at our Daughters graduations from High School, from College. Watching our daughters get married, have kids, etc.

In July of 2016 all of those dreams we had started to come crashing down. After 17 years of Diabetes, 10 years Bi Polar, 6 years of heart issues, 3 years of liver issues, etc. Colleen was starting to lose the battle.

Colleen was admitted into Hospice in July 2016. A Doctor had agreed that there was a strong possibility that Colleen would not live more than six more months (She lived 5 more). This was a difficult cross road for Colleen, for me and for my daughters. We were no longer dealing with an abstract notion that if things did not change, Colleen may die someday. Someday now had a time frame attached to it.

After years of doing everything in our power to keep Colleen here, we were all starting down the unfamiliar road of letting go. A road that was bumpy, painful and that went into crazy, difficult and wild places we would never have expected before all was said and done.

The next month in August, I sat in the midst of a party Celebrating the 50th Wedding Anniversary of Herb and Fran Osborn. Herb and Fran are spiritual family to Colleen and I and we had been coming over to their home on Sunday nights for years to share a meal together, study the bible, and then bear one another’s burdens and lift up each other in prayer. They had shown us unconditional love and grace and I was delighted to celebrate this milestone they each had reached together.

I must say however that as I sat there and rejoiced for Herb and Fran, there was a part of me that also grieved the fact that it seemed unlikely I would ever get to share that same experience with Colleen. We had been married 26 years, and it was not looking like 50 was going to be in the cards.

I left that celebration, returned home, and at Colleen’s request, I continued to help my wife plan her funeral.

The pain of losing Colleen drove my family off the rails in September, October and November of 2016. Those were three of the hardest months I have ever experienced in my life. I had tried my best to be an anchor for my wife and kids the past ten years, but we breached such emotionally charged territory that I temporarily lost my youngest daughter Mercy in the midst of the storm.

I will not go into the details here, but I was already physically, mentally and emotionally depleted even before July when we went into Hospice. Now in September, to face losing my soul mate Colleen to death and then lose my relationship with my daughter Mercy in the midst of this storm was overwhelming. It felt like our little rickety boat that had been battered from so many storms was finally breaking apart.

I remember pulling into Krogers to pick up the groceries, and my legs were so heavy they felt as though they were wrapped in concrete. I could not move. My daughter had a lot of anger at me, at God, and at the world. The mother she loved from the depths of her soul was slipping away and there was nothing any of us could do about it.

I think if Colleen had passed away during this three month stretch, my daughter may have never recovered from it. God in his Mercy allowed Colleen to live until December. Prior to Thanksgiving, my Daughter and I worked through some of the most intense misunderstandings between us and our relationship began to improve through the application of grace.

Because of that, we went into December as a unified family once again. Even with the conflicts we had since September, we had still gathered around Colleen’s bed each night to pray with her and tell her how much she meant to each of us and how each day we got to spend with her was a blessing. In December that time was the sweetest as we were all unified as a family once again.

Colleen slept in December and only woke from 8pm to 10pm each night, so we had very limited time to talk with her, but the time we did have was a great blessing. I was home on Tuesday December 13th and to my great surprise and delight Colleen was awake the majority of that day. It was the last day Colleen was awake before she died on December 22nd.

I had some wonderful discussions with Colleen on this last day. The most meaningful discussion was my final move to let her go. I told Colleen that I loved her, I was proud of her, that she had run a great race, but that her responsibilities on this earth were now at an end and it was ok for her to let go to be with Jesus. She said she was worried about our daughters and did not feel at peace to let go. What would happen to Faith and Mercy?

I assured Colleen that given what I just saw God bring our daughter through, I was convinced that even if I died the day after she did, our girls would be ok as their Heavenly Father loved them even more than we did and He would be with them in all things. She relaxed after that and accepted that it was ok for her to let go.

She did not really wake again after that, and on December 19th, Hospice moved her from our home to the Hospice wing of St Joes Hospital. I had said my good byes to her on December 13th, as had my Daughter Faith. We had grieved losing Colleen for years as we were her primary caregivers. My Daughter Mercy still needed that extra time at St. Joes to say good bye, as did Colleen’s mom, sister and our Niece Hannah. They were able to see her there one last time before she passed away.

My Brother and his wife came up on December 21st and went straight to the hospital. We all gathered around Colleen’s bed one last time to pray over her and tell her we loved her. We left around 11pm. We went home to sleep, expecting to return the next day to see her, but at 1:50am on December 22, 2016 Colleen breathed her last breath and walked into the open arms of Jesus who welcomed her home.

There were some people that got upset at the time that we did not stay 24 / 7 at the Hospital. They were upset Colleen died all alone. I can understand how that thought would be upsetting. However, I know that is not true. Right up till the moment Colleen breathed her last, God’s Holy Spirit was there comforting her, and after she breathed her last, she walked into the loving arms of Jesus. She was never alone in this life, and will never be alone in the next.

On the morning Colleen died, I went to tell Colleen’s mother and then later her sister Tanya that she had passed away. It was very difficult for them and was a bit bumpy for a while as they processed their grief.

We had the viewing on Friday December 23rd. I told both of my daughters this would be the most difficult thing they ever did. I told them what they were about to see was similar to the cocoon that was left behind by a caterpillar. The body that we were about to see was only the empty shell their Mom had left behind. She was safe in Heaven with Jesus, but this was a final step in the process of letting her go.

I did not force them to go to the viewing, but I told them I thought they needed to do this for closure. My daughter Faith had done such a wonderful job of meeting all of her mother’s physical needs without complaint and had taken such wonderful care of her mother’s body while she lived. She was the most impacted by seeing her mother’s body and wept for an hour without ceasing. I held her in my arms, rocking her on a couch and I just kept telling her it’s ok. Cry all you want. I miss her too.

We all looked at scrap books Colleen had made with pictures, comments and wonderful memories before, during and after the viewing. This was such a blessing to be able to stop in the midst of our pain and loss and remember all the good times God had allowed us to share together before taking Colleen home.

On Christmas morning, I woke around 6am. I was sitting by myself in our front room, when my sister in law Valerie came out. We shared a moment together. After years of being the strong anchor for Colleen, for Faith, and for Mercy, after hurrying about to make arrangements for the viewing, etc. I finally had time to slow down and process the fact that never again in this life would I ever get the chance to talk to Colleen. Her voice was silent and the pain and seeming finality of that was overwhelming. Yes, I fully believe I will see Colleen again one day thanks to Jesus, but that day seemed painfully far away to me.

After comforting Faith, Mercy, Tanya and others, it was now my time to be comforted. I wept uncontrollably as my Sister in Law Valerie tenderly looked on. She fully understood my pain as she had experienced tremendous loss herself (Both parents, a Nephew, an aunt she was very close to, etc.). She kept repeating truth that she knows, separation is painful. She did not attempt to solve the problem as she could not, but she was there to hug me, love on me and share my pain.

As part of letting go, we have had to give up some of our dreams. I will never sit with Colleen at a 50th Wedding Anniversary. My kids will not have their mom present at their High School graduation, College Graduation, wedding, childbirth, etc. Yet, I believe one of the main reasons God allows us to suffer in this life and go through this painful separation at death is to teach us to trust Him.

The only reason I was able to get to know Colleen for 29 years of her life and be married for 26 is because my Heavenly Father made that possible. The very air that filled our lungs to speak our vows “till death do us part” was provided by God. The very miracle of birth and the great blessing of Children was designed and created by God. Every Beautiful sunset, waterfall, magnificent animal was all provided to us by God. Chocolate was created by God for our pleasure.

If we are honest, we know all of this, yet how often do we doubt that God loves us? How often do we doubt that God is looking out for our best interest? My God has not asked me to go through anything He was unwilling to go through himself. Jesus humbled himself to come down to be born as a Human being to bridge this gulf that exists between us and God. He willingly gave up his life to suffer and die on the cross to free me from the bondage of sin and death, and Jesus experienced separation from His Heavenly Father before He rose again and ascended into Heaven, securing my future place there as well.

Knowing all of that, I am left with both the pain of missing Colleen, and the joy of knowing her suffering is behind her. We all will face the pain of separation from those we love in this life. Will you turn to your Heavenly Father to comfort you and help you through it, or will you raise your fist to heaven and curse God?

You have no choice in losing those you love along the way in this life. That is in God’s hands. You do however have a choice in how you react. I choose Jesus. He has been my great comforter, counselor, strength, rock, God, King, and friend through it all.

I have chosen to trust my Heavenly Father. My God has always worked for my good and the good of my family, even in the midst of great suffering. All perfect gifts come from above. Yes, the earth bound dreams I had with Colleen, I had to give up. However, I fully trust that the eternal dreams my Heavenly Father has for me, for Colleen, for Faith, Mercy and for all of you are better than our limited earth bound dreams.

Jesus said that any of us that cling to this life will lose it (obvious truth), but any who will give up this life (and its dreams) for His sake will gain it. (By faith, I believe that also is absolute truth)

I hope and pray all of you can find that same trust in your Heavenly Father’s deep love and affection for you that will help you in letting go as well so you can experience His comfort and peace even in the midst of your greatest storms and your greatest pain.

Mathew 5:4 Blessed are those who Mourn, for they will be comforted (Truth!)